Relationship Compatibility: Why You Don’t Need Commonalities to be Compatible

Every time I hear a commercial for an online dating site saying “you must have things in common for a relationship to last”, I create a face that, when read, says “what?” It isn’t just the commercials that say this, everyone is! The mentality now is that if you don’t have everything lined up with the person you’re dating, then the chances of seeing it through to the end are slim to none.

What Do I Mean By “Having Commonalities”

Commonalities can easily become vague. Because of this, it needs to be specified and addressed. When I say “having commonalities”, I mean the preferences we have, when it comes to hobbies, personality, and culture. Commonalities in this case does not refer to religion, moral beliefs, and convictions. This is because of the high importance they hold in the foundation of a relationship.

The Case for the Commercials

If I were to be genuine, I understand why this compatibility mindset is consistent throughout many people’s beliefs. In America, we tend to only associate with people who look like us and who believe the same things we do. It is no wonder we seek the same in our relationships. This is why when we only seek commonalities in our relationships, we have little confidence it is going to work out. This even applies to our friendships. I would agree that seeking to date someone with the FUNDAMENTAL commonalities as you, is a good thing to pursue. A viable example is religion and morals. Seeking such beliefs proves you hold true to them yourself. However, it is different if we believe that when the lower level likes and dislikes found in each other do not match up, the relationship will not succeed.

To add to my understanding of this compatibility mindset, it is in fact quite simple. We, as humans, ultimately want to date someone who likes the same things as we do. This is even the case in my own life. It’s a mindset we all have, and it isn’t wrong to think this way. However, it is wrong to dismiss a person because of the lack of commonalities as if what that person enjoys doing or watching causes them to be inferior.

Hobbies

We all have our favorite hobbies. This can include fishing, exercising, sleeping, sports, reading, and the many other hobbies out there. The number one excuse for calling one’s relationship “boring” deals with hobbies. Why is this the case? Is the life you live so limited that you don’t have a variety of hobbies? Is the life you live so exclusive that you aren’t willing to try new things? If you are dating someone or thinking about dating someone, you will have differing hobbies. Find common ground. Explore each other’s hobbies. Find out if any interest you. If it turns out you don’t like not one of each other’s hobbies (which is hard), then explore. Explore the thousands of hobbies out there together. If still nothing comes (which is almost impossible), then learn to respect each other when it comes to these things. Usually some things start to grow on you over time. The most important point when it comes to hobbies is that they are not needed to have a healthy and thriving relationship. At the end of the day, you are your own person with your own interests. Your favorite hobbies don’t have to leave. Neither does your relationship. Don’t elevate something that shouldn’t be held that high in the first place. There are many other elements of a relationship you should invest in.

Personality

Personality can be a little complex to tackle because some personalities clash and some personalities are a turn off to attraction. I’ve been in many contexts where the person was attractive, but as soon as I heard them talk and carry themselves, I wanted to laugh, literally out loud and cringe at the same time. I usually went with cringe. When it comes to physical attraction, it is just something you don’t control. However, even relationships that include complete opposite personalities can still thrive and flourish. Sometimes they even complement each other. Being opposites does not mean failure. In a case where an outgoing and social person comes together with a quiet and reserved person, the relationship actually connects. Where there is lack, the other person can fill in the gaps depending on the context. How horrifying would it be to see two shy and reserved personalities on a date together! I would assume that situation would be awkward and quiet. Personality differences are not necessarily a deal breaker for relationship vibrancy. Differing personalities can, in fact, elevate the vibrancy.

Culture/Race

Culture and race are a very controversial topic when it comes to relationships. They are controversial, but shouldn’t be. It is sad to say, but I know way too many people who won’t date someone from a different race because of “how they were raised”. To put it plainly, they were raised the wrong way. A way that usually teaches to only tolerate other cultures instead of celebrating them. A way that teaches one’s own culture/race is superior. Many times this “how I was raised” mentality is rooted in racism, prejudice, and ignorance. I take joy in seeing couples from differing races together. This should be celebrated. Celebrated, especially in such a prejudiced and racist society.

What I don’t want to express is that dating a person from the same race/culture is racist. You are attracted to who you are attracted to. This is perfectly acceptable. However, when your response to an interracial couple is “my parents would kill me if I did that”, then there is a problem. If you are attracted to someone of a different race/culture, this isn’t something to be feared, but celebrated. Once again, this isn’t a deal breaker. Why would the color of someone’s skin dictate the success of a relationship? Some would immediately interject and say “different cultures do things differently and that could cause problems in a relationship”. The response to that statement is “yes”. But why is that your first response to the thought of dating someone different? Talk to them. Get to know them. If there are differences that just wouldn’t work out, that’s fine. However, this is usually not the case. More times than not, an interracial relationship doesn’t turn into a breakup, but a melting pot of exploring each other’s culture and adapting. This is a great thing. We should not be so exclusive that we don’t learn and participate in other cultures. Cultural and racial differences in relationships are things to be celebrated and explored, not feared and ignored.

Conclusion

Overall, the lie that you have to have commonalities in order for a relationship to work out is, well….just that: a lie. Differing hobbies, personalities, or race/culture does not equal failure. It does not mean that if you choose to stay together that you will be miserable. All of the differences should be looked at with an open-mind ready to embrace, respect, and celebrate.